აბდა-უბდა ნაფიქრი

აბდა-უბდა ნაფიქრი

ისევ აცივდა, ასეთი ამინდი მარტისაგან მოსალოდნელია, რა ენაღვლება საკუთარი თავის პატრონია. ქარი ქრის…ამ უამინდობას უხასიათობა ემატება და ღუმელთან მოკალათებულს ფიქრები შემომაწვა.

ვფიქრობ ათას რაიმეზე, ისე სწრაფად რომ წერისას აზრიც კი მებნევა, მაგრამ ერთი კითხვა დავიჭირე საკუთარ თავთან.

საკუთარი თავი ვახსენე და მაინტერესებს რამდენად მივეკუთვნებით ნამდვილად საკუთარ თავს, ცხოვრებაში იმდენი სოციალური სტატუსი გვაქვს: ვიღაცის შვილი, ვიღაცის და, ვიღაცის შეყვარებული, მეგობარი, მეზობელი…თანამშრომელი, მტერი, მოყვარე, რომ დავიბენი ამდენის ჩამოთვლით და მივხვდი, რომ რამდენიც არ უნდა ვიბორგოთ თავისუფალნი ვერასოდეს ვიქნებით, რადგან თუ ამ ყველაფრისგან გავთავისუფლდით ერთი სტატუსი შემოგვრეჩება- მარტოსული. მაშინ ამოისუნთქებ თავისუფლად, მაგრამ რამდენად სასურველია ასეთი ამოსუნთქვა? ასეთი სტატუსი? როგორ უნდა შევეგუოთ არასასურველებს და გავუფრთხილდეთ ჩვენთვის ძვირფასს.

როგორც კი ამ კითხვამ გამიელვა თავში, კიდევ უფრო შევშინდი, ანუ სიტყვა “ჩემი” მხოლოდ და მხოლოდ ილუზიაა,  რომელიც საკუთარ თავში რწმენას გმატებს…არადა, როგორ მიყვარს ეს სიტყვა და გაუფასურდა, ჩემი ფასვორდი, ჩემი კბილის ჯაგრისი, ჩემი ქურთუკი, ჩემი ფული, ჩემი გრძნობები, ჩემი ჩვევები, არაფერია ჩემი, ყველაფერი ვიღაცისგან შეძენილი ან ვინმეს ეკუთვნის ეხლაც…მაშინ რატომ განვიცდი? რატომ ვწერ? რატომ ვმოძრაობ?-სხვისთვის?! ნუთუ ამხელა სამყაროში არაფერი მოიძებნება ჩემი?! არაფერი დედამიწის ზურგზე?! არაფერს შევქმნი ჩემით, რომ ჩემი სახელი ერქვას?!

როგორ ვხედავ, რომ სისიუსტეს ვამჟღავნებ ამ ფიქრით, მაგრამ არც სიძლიერის ნიღაბი შემიძლია ვატარო…იქნებ ჩემშია რაიმე პრობლემა, მაგრამ მისი გადაწყვეტა ვერ მიპოვია, არადა მე უნდა ვიპოვო! მე! სხვანაირად ყველაფერი კარგად ვერ იქნება!! ეს კარგი, შემართებით ნათქვმია: ყველაფერი კარგად იქნება! მაგრამ არ იქნება თუ გულზეხელდაკრეფილი ვიჯექი და საკუთარი თავი შევიცოდე, მაგრამ სხვაც რომ არაფერი მეხერხებ?!

აი ესაა, აბდა- უბდა აზრები და არა მარტო ეს, რაც ეხლა თავში მიტრიალებს…მინდა დრო გავიდეს, რომ ამ პოსტზე ვიცინო…მაგრამ ვიცინებ კი? ასე თუ გავრეკე, უფრო სატირალი არ გამიხდეს საქმე…

არ მინდა გამამხნევებელი პასუხები ან შემართებითი წერილები, დავწერე და ცოტათი დავისვენე…ადამიანს ვერავინ უშველის საკუთარ თავზე მეტად!!! მეც, საკუთარი თავის გადასარჩენად ვიბრძვი…თუ რა თქმა უნდა საკუთარი გამაჩნია რაიმე :)

 

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